I'm trying to make this the least conspicuous, because I really want a blog I can just WRITE whatever the fuck I want and not have to worry about who sees it. Part of it is of course, if the right people see it then a huge lift has been taken off my chest but for now, I just need to voice how I feel. I need a place to do this, so I'm doing it here.

Soon.

I'm writing an essay, or at least I should be.

I've been quite sad recently, since, I essentially got my heart broken.

I suppose what sucks the most about it is because the relationship would have been awesome and the individual had essentially everything I wanted in the person.

What sucked more is that I was looking into going to university there, and visiting during the holidays, and changing my phone plan so we could talk whenever they wanted.

I have to spend less time trying to become someone's prince, honestly.

It just hurts so much more in the end. I even cancelled a job interview to see them for 15 minutes, lawl.

WHY SHANE. WHY DO YOU DO THIS.

Well, we talked about it in therapy - so, now you understand but it still sucks, you know?

I don't know if I'm ever going to not like them, and that's a problem.

I am really upset when I speak to them, but I pretend that I'm not.

I don't know what to do, part of me wants/is moving on and part of me hopes he'll wake up and choose me.

But I know I'm being stupid.

It just sucks.

I'm going to assume that of all my blogs - no one looks at this one. Therefore this one will be the one that I write about how I'm actually feeling.

(Y) So, I really hope no one stumbles upon this. Strangers included.

It's going to be super angsty.

Despondency

Breathing is difficult when your restraints are too tight.
I'm incapable of reaching towards anything, anyone, anymore.
To have one simple desire dangling above your head ...
it's unbearable
Are you feeling like you're tangled in a web of tales?
Every direction is adverse in one way or another
These cruelties only become worse over time ...
grievous, acute, the severity expands
the basis of ecstasy is long lost in the shadows of dire
No matter how determined you are,
is it possible?
Nothing feels possible anymore.
comparatively, we long for potential prospects
The easiest of the selective, is to yearn
to yearn for a day that we might feel compelled to follow the shadows
that we might feel bliss

intimacy, attachment, the warmth contracts
it's not so much that I feel myself slipping
but I have slipped far beyond the silhouettes ..

I've contoured to the luster of vibrant desolation
melancholy, heartache, my eyes swell up with tears

-ヒロト
Wednesday, November 19th, 2008


Boys can cry ....

This is when I realized...

...That I've become so scared of everything.


No matter what it is, or who it is
I am reluctant...and overly analytical...


When did I become like this?
僕は一人ぼっちではありません。僕は一人ぼっちを感じます。。。

ーヒロト

It annoys me...

Why are we like this? Aren't we supposed to be friends, jeez... You tell me that I should confide in you, and that I can call you whenever I feel distraught but, I feel like you don't even care. I'm trying my hardest to ignore you and try to be like most normal male friends would be but seriously, why do you make me feel so frustrated. I feel like I can't ask you to go out because you don't want to go out... why do I feel like you're just satisfying me with this friendship? Why am I always competing with you.

僕は、あなたが気にかけるのを知る必要があります。。。
多分、僕はあなたが好きです。。。
でも。。。俺は望みません。。


DX
this sounds like a yaoi waiting to happen, oh god.
-ヒロト

愛される欲求

接吻, 珍しくより冷たい接吻
愛することは僕の精神を凍らせている
荒いと荒い, あなたの心でのみで削ること
僕は考えます, あなたの接触はとても暖かい
この明白でない現実をつかみます, この存在はそう寒冷
事実および神話, 非常に苦痛
あなたの表面を忘れるように試みります
僕はあなたの記憶を残したいと思います, 僕は必要とするも

僕は壁に彼女を押し、trace her face with my finger tips
僕は首の彼女にゆっくり接吻しました, pace yourself
my hands linger, 軽く彼女のヒップを愛撫すること
彼女は僕の名前を呼びます, 僕は囁きます There's no one but us here
彼女は僕から目隠れます... 彼女は何がほしいと思うか。
嫌い...

Is it okay to think that one day your eyes will only see me?
-ヒロト
26/05/09

What if it isn't enough?

What if it wasn't enough to be who you are?

We are constantly being told that it is better to be true to ourselves and be happy with ourselves then try and change for someone else. What if it's not enough to be who you truly are? If I were who I truly am, I probably wouldn't be very fun to hang around with. I'm the isolated type, and I enjoy being that way but due to the fact, people enjoy my company I purposely become social for the benefits of others when I'd much rather be at home, writing. It makes me wonder why people say to be 100% yourself then. When we all know that in some shape or form, we change in order to adapt to our surroundings even when we'd rather not. It's easier to keep things or thoughts to ourselves then to talk them out or explain them with others. It's easier to be isolated, so why do we purposely attach ourselves to social events?

"I'm anti-social, but I'm naturally sociable. "

If we'd rather be doing something else, why do we put up with our current situation. It's incredibly fascinating the lengths we go too in order to feel or in order not to feel. Sometimes, I'll go to a get together with people that I hardly know because I was simply invited and feel that it's unnecessary to cancel. I don't even know why, because I'd much rather be at home. My theory is that, the people around me have no idea how they feel or what they feel. They have no idea how to express their thoughts and ideas and thus end up drowning it with non-stop "parties". Whereas, me being a particularly popular male would rather spend his time alone in his house. No, I'm not depressed. The feeling of choosing to be by yourself is an incredible connection, it's almost annoying to be around people who have no idea how to connect with themselves but constantly attempt to connect with others. If only they took the time to get to know themselves more, they would see that it's a different feelings to be one with yourself. Without it, there's no way you can be one with another. Once you have an internal connection, you begin to look at things differently, including people. I believe this is why I am the person I am and the reason I can't be happy with another person.

"There's passion, and love and the constant throbbing in my head when I think of you. . .but it's a waste of time if you aren't feeling the way."

But if you're happy with yourself, then you can learn to be happy entirely.


-ヒロト
Hiroto K